Let the Insanity begin!

So I have been thinking about doing this for a while now but have been very hesitant.  Talking about this puts me in a very vulnerable position because  this is a very personal, sensitive subject for me.

I have really been struggling with my weight. When I look in the mirror, well I can't stand to look in the mirror. About three years ago I got down to 143 pounds. Now I am only  5"3 but I come from a family where we are genetically muscular. I cannot count the times that I have been asked do I play sports, especially run track. Ironically there is nothing about me that is athletic. Unless you consider stepping and dancing as some form of athleticism.

Anyway, when I met my husband I started gaining weight. A lot of people said that it looked good on me because when I was small it was do to health problems (thank you Jesus for your healing power) and I walked almost everywhere that I went. So if I had to guess I would say my husbands great courting of taking me out to nice places including restaurants (which no other guy has ever done before!) I gained maybe 10-15 pounds.

Then we got married. Now when I got married several of my friends told me I was going to end up pregnant quick because the longer you wait the more fertile you are. Needless to say I got pregnant five seconds after we got married. Just kidding about a month. That pregnancy didn't last long, so although he (I believe it was a boy because of the prophetic word from my pastor to my husband about being a present day Abraham) is in heaven with our Father I still gained 15 pounds in about two months.

So then I get pregnant again about six weeks later. I gained about 40 pounds with my son Caleb, reaching my highest weight ever to 212 lbs. Note that my husband doesn't even know that. Every time he asked I would say, "None of your business!" He would laugh and say why. So now since I am blogging to the world I guess I will tell him.

I think you are getting the drift of this blog. I am now about 195 and can't stand it. So I was thinking about blogging every week about my own personal weight loss journey.  I have already made steps to eating better but I need motivation to work out. What better motivation than posting about it on the world wide web of blogging. This makes me feel like I am obligated to do it and I need that push. I am going to post my weight and measurements on Monday, and start INSANITY!

I would also like to get into kickboxing. So if anyone knows of that in the Oklahoma City Area please let me know. 

I hope that this inspires another mother out there who is still grieving the extra weight of children and marriage. Or if you just want to loose weight.

PRAY FOR ME!

Free to Know the Real Him and Myself

For a long time now I have been on a journey to forgiveness. I think that most people don't understand that true forgiveness for deep wounded hurts take time. You run into trouble when you are unwilling to forgive but our Father understands that sometimes it starts out only as a confession for obedience.

Often a lot of people don't understand that they even have unforgiveness or really how truly deeply wounded that they are. So as God starts to deal with a person he reveals things little by little, like a gentlemen wanting his child to be free but not overwhelmed. In his presence is where it all starts.

I know personally I have said I forgive them a hundred times. And when God would deal with me deeper and deeper I think to myself," I am still dealing with this? Didn't I say I forgive them a long time ago?" But as I grew with God he was allowed to get to the deep rooted issues.

For about a month or so I had felt the need to write letters to some of the people I felt hurt by. I was encouraged by my spiritual mother and my husband. It took me a few weeks before I actually did it. I knew that I needed to when the Holy Spirit would utter to me that I was being disobedient if I didn't.

So I wrote these letters explaining my brutal truth and my forgiveness and asking for there forgiveness. I read them to my spiritual mother and I ripped them up and she prayed with me. I admit I didn't feel anything right away. But all things take time. I had quite  warfare right afterwards too.

My pastor equipped me with ways to honor them too which has help in my physical healing in a great way.

For the longest time I felt that I was bound with a chain from the past. It seemed if I was going two steps forward the past would pull me three steps back. And then I would get physically sick. 

 Slowly but surely I started to feel a release. And then I realized something.My whole relationship with God although with growth has always been affected or hindered by the past. Now I really feel the freedom to get to know Him with untamed attachments. Now I am like well God who are you? I feel a freedom to truly get to know Him without the past bad reflections of Him. Because now I don't have the past deeply buried in my subconsciousness. This is the first time I have ever felt like now I can truly get to know him. And now I can truly get to know myself. Who God created me to be, not what life circumstances created me to be.

And I pray from continued correction from God dealing with bad attitudes or idiosyncrasies and defense mechanisms I developed because of the past.  It has been a long journey I tell you.

God is good and I look forward to this new journey, this fresh beginning. You know I will be 25 next month.
I think that 25 is going to be a symbolic point in my life

Blessings

Birthday Wish

My 25th birthday is next month and this is what I want for my birthday. I am not sure if it's the latest model and that is not really that important to me. I am still deciding if I want to take pictures perfessionaly but I don't know yet. First of all I have no training and would probably need to take a few classes. I actually will need to ask a friend to even teach me how to use the camera.

The main reason that I want this kind of camera is to be able to take quality pictures of my family, especially my baby boy as he is growing up. If I could I would take pictures of him everyday. I don't really have any pictures of myself when I was little so I don't want the same for him. And I just love taking pictures.
So as a birthday gift a cannon camera would be wonderful but I will also take it Christmas too.

Perspective

When it's 1:30 in the morning and my son is wide awake and acting as if I gave him a a double fudge cupcake,  sometimes I look at him and say, "Please go to sleep." At that time I usually don't look very good and am growing more impatient. Then I am tempted to get mad at my husband for sleeping like a baby and have to remember that he provides for us so he deserves to sleep.

But all my son has to do is crack a smile at me and that washes my frustration away. A lot of babies smile sometimes and I have known most to be  very solemn. But one thing that I notice about my son was that he is unusually happy most of the time. He cries when he is hungry(specially after a long nap) when his gums are hurting sometimes, and because he usually does not like to lay down only so that he does not miss anything. .

This past Sunday was his dedication and as my pastor was praying over him, he mentioned that the reason why the enemy has fought us so hard was because my son was going to bring a lot of healing. Healing do to things that happened before we came together in marriage.  I know I heard that in my spirit several times before he was born and I honestly believe it is true.  He is this amazing blessing from God and has deepen the meaning to my life. I know that this is very corny and bias but it's so real and so true. I am thankful that the Lord trust me to raise him up and I don't take that lightly.

So those moments when motherhood and life can get trying, God uses the joy in my child's smile to bring things back into perspective for me. I think to myself I want to be the best mom and wife that I can be. So he pushes me towards the Father because I know that I can't do it without Him. It pushes me to really deal with the hindrances that are holding me back so that I can be on fire for the Lord and my son can do greater things than me. Call me fanatic, and I know that every generation says this but I truly believe that my baby's generation is the generation that will usher in the rapture and second coming of the Lord.

Finally

This blog has been a long time coming but I have been busy as you will see if you continue reading.

Caleb Elvis O'Rear was born a week early on January 17 at 8lb 4 ounces. He picked an interesting time to decide that he was ready considering that his mother and father had stayed up all night. When we decided to go to bed it was 2:30 in the morning. I had taken two benedryl and my husband a melatonin. About five minutes after I had laid in the bed I heard a popping noise and then a gush of water preceded afterwards. Needless to say I yelled,"Larry! My water broke!"
I was in labor about fourteen hours when the nursed decided that if I don't progress in the next two we need to have a c section because it was getting to dangerous. After hour 17 and only dilated at a three centimeters I had the surgery. First of all it was the most nerve racking thing ever! I cried! I had to rebuke a million thoughts about the medicine wearing off. But my God continued to be his typical amazing self and made sure everything went perfectly! 
Having my boy was one of the most amazing, world wind, tiring, fulfilling experience in my life.

Now let me talk about something a little more inspirational pertaining to this story.

During my pregnancy, I had prayed and confessed for an easy NATURAL labor. Obviously that did not happen and that left me a little bitter. Until one day I thought about all the things that could have happened if I did perceded to have him naturally, such as a stillbirth, tearing, or loosing my life and my baby especially since I had been told that I have a small pelvic area. Needless to say I had some repenting and some thanking to do. It just makes me aware that when I am trusting and beleiving God for something and it does not happen it is because he has something better, or in this case easier and life saving. God always has my back.

THE WAITING GAME

So now I am 38 weeks pregnant. I pretty much have everything ready for Caleb to enter the world. Lets be honest, you can only be so ready. I would love it, that when my water breaks our place is spotless and the refrigerator is stocked. But that is hard to do when it takes me an hour to clean up something that would normally take me 15 minutes. And don't even get me started at how vacuuming wears me out.

Right now I am just playing the waiting game. The last three visits he has shown no sign of coming. But even tho physically and mentally I am worn out I don't like the idea of getting induced. I was actually shocked that my doctor had me set a date just in case he is late so quickly. Her explanation was that the induction schedule was full the next couple of weeks, but my husband was just saying the night before that doctors do that at their convenience. So I set a day anyway for 2 days after his due date, Jan 26.  Most likely I am going to cancel it and let him come when he is ready. I just would feel guilty if he needed a little more development and I rushed him out just because I am EXHAUSTED! But we shall see. I have a friend who worked the whole time she was pregnant, literally until her water broke. I take my hat off to all of the millions of woman who are strong enough to do that!

He has two more weeks until he is late. So until the Lord says it's time, I shall wait.
Can't wait to meet my little man.

The Good and the...Not so Good!

What I hate most about being pregnant?
I only get to name one! Nights of not sleeping and being uncomfortable. As you can see it is 2:36 am as I am writting this blog.

What I will miss most about being pregnant?
Sitting on the couch, feeling, and watching my baby boy move from one side of the womb to the other. It just lets me know that he is alive and well. There are plenty of times I have interrupted his sleep by rubbing my tummy, to get him to move so I can be ok that he is ok.

What I look forward to not being pregnant?
Holding my baby in my arms and getting skinny.

I anticipate so much as I am about to become a new mom in the next 8 weeks. All of the love and joy of being a mother and even the fatigue that comes with it. I just want to be a wonderful reflection of the Father's love for Caleb O'Rear. Can't wait to meet my first born. There are no words to describe that every ache and discomfort of being pregnant does not compare of the glory that is to come when I see you for the first time. God is good!

Resting in His Presence

So about a month ago I had two dreams that consist of the same themes. But I will only tell the better of the two.

My spouse, family, and I were in a middle of a natural disaster. If I could guess what natural disaster it was I would say a tsunami. Anyway, we were in the middle of the highway trying to run away from the waves. The water was high and the anticipation of another gigantic wave of water was great. There were people all around us in a panic, including myself and my family. We were anxiously trying to get to safety, even though we had no idea what that was. It wasn't long after the dream started that a wave hit us, but we were OK.

Notice how I said that all of us were in a panic except for my husband? I was yelling at him to hurry up and to take this devastation more seriously. It seemed as if he was in no rush, fear, or panic at all.

What is ironic is that, that is who he is in real life. A number of events have happened to us. If I were to go into detail you would be amazed. In fact, our first year of marriage was quite an event. We have experienced major car accidents, failed pregnancy, and family lost. But through it all my husband was the strong one. So positive to the point where it was almost hard to believe. I was waiting for him to panic and it never happened. That made it very hard for me to.

There were times where I knew that deep down he had some sort of disappointment. Some things are just harder on men in ways that women cannot understand. But he never spoke anything negative out of his mouth or gave the enemy any glory by having self pity.

I truly think that God was trying to show me that I needed to truly rest in him. It was almost like he was warning me that some stormy events were coming but not to waver or panic. That I need to completely rely on him and no matter what happens he is still my God and my source.

My pastor is constantly trying to teach us about resting in God's presence and trusting that he is our source. It is funny how you can read a scripture a million times but life can make it have a whole new meaning. Psalm 23 means more to me now than ever.

If we constantly are focused on resting in God, keeping our confidence in God, not speaking and giving life to negativity,  being consistent in our prayer, and consistent in his word, we become a great frustration to the enemy.

Could you imagine what it would be like that no matter what anyone said or what happened in life, nothing could take away our joy. I hope to accomplish this in the near future. Le

On the Road to Motherhood

So I went from looking forward to having my baby and getting my body back to not looking forward to the after affects of having a child. For example the bleeding weeks afterwards.
It's amazing how someone can feel so many different emotions at one time. I am excited and can't wait to see my son. Every night when I go to bed I wonder what he looks like, is he mostly going to take after me or his dad. I look most forward to bonding with him and holding him. On the other hand I am very nervous about being a good mother and being able to take care of him. I have often realized that I am going to be expected to not only be a mother but to continue being a wife. That after I have been taking care of my son all day my husband is going to come home from working hard and be hungry. I just wonder sometimes, can I do it all? I am overwhelmed with joy and fear.
But I do know that this is what millions of women experience, especially for first time mothers. That it has been done since Eve had Cain and Abel. So with the help of the Holy Spirit I will be ok. I just thank God for friends who are able to help inform me about the things that the pregnancy books don't tell you.
I just know that I love my child so much all ready and I look forward to being his mother for the rest of his life.
About 80 days and counting until the arrival of Caleb Elvis O'Rear!

A Different Kind of Love

                                                                                                                                   

12 more weeks and I will be giving birth to our first child together. I am happy, excited, nervous all at the same time. It all just seem to happen so fast. I went thru my alone season with the Lord, focusing on my physical and emotional healing. I was blessed to have people in my life to help me get rid of some ways and attitudes I had carried with me 200 miles away. And I remember for about a year before I met my husband I kept getting unction to pray for him in my prayer time. It seemed as if God had everything aline perfectly when it was time for us to come in the covenant. Things happen so fast that our first born son Caleb Elvis O'Rear will be here shortly after our one year wedding anniversary. 

We are obviously not the typical couple. People make that obvious when we go out in public especially. I wonder if people judge assuming that I am with him for his money or I need a father figure. I remember not being able to find my wedding ring and feeling like people thought I was his mistress because of it. Could it we be so bizarre that we could not just be divinley connected and sincerely love each other? 

I fell for him so fast. So when I had my spiritual parents, and Pastor's approval we pretty much knew marriage was the next step.

 He is patient, loving, and kind. His wisdom from is the benefit of us being apart in age. He is proof and fact that God always keeps his promises. And one of my favorite parts is when I was sick I was still beautiful to him now that I'm healed and set free. He saw the worst of the worst and still loved me. Thank You Jesus for loving me thru my husband!

                                     Happy early birthday Larry Glenn O'Rear!!                                    

The Real You

It is amazing to see the attitudes and the egocentricity that we adapt in life because of the many things that have happened to us. Some of them are flaws in our character that we have a developed as a form of protection so that we can attempt to never allow someone else to hurt us in "that way" again. But isn't if funny how those walls that we build because of hurt and pain are actually founded on lies of the enemy? You know that any thought in your head is a lie rooted from the devil if it is contradictory to the word of God. That is why the bible says to cast down imaginations.
For example a woman that has been abused by men in her life or didn't have a father and grows up to hate all men. So instead some how she attracts the kinda of man that she doesn't want and pushes the good ones away. That is why it is so important that as soon as someone offends us that we give it to God.

Personally, the Holy Spirit is teaching me that the Catisha that was developed from a painful upbringing is not really the real Catisha that he created me to be. This has definitely been evident in the way that I react to my husband. No matter what happens his feathers are not easily ruffled. He is as peaceful and calm and as stable as can be. But I am more like a roller coaster and sometimes erratic in my emotions. So when I first started going to my church and rediscovered the gift of praying in the spirit the Lord started giving me detailed revelation of this is why you act that way and do the things you do. Every time something happened or me and my husband didn't agree on something I was expecting him to blow up and go crazy. So when he didn't I would get angry. Crazy! I know but God had to reveal to me that a hostile reaction or environment is not normal even tho is was my past normal.

I realize that some of my ways that I thought were normal were not at all. God had to introduce me to a kingdom normality that He originally created me to walk in. That I am approachable, confident, and bold woman of God and I will be the best that I can be, living a purposeful life, walking out my calling and living in destiny.

One thing God is helping me on is eye contact. I have come a long way, due to the fact that just about four or five years ago I would cringed just from someone hugging me, especially by a man due to former abuses. Now I will hug anyone, even if you don't want it. And because of God sent people, I have attained the ability to be more friendly to something as easy as smiling and thanking someone one who is checking me out in the grocery store. But just a few weeks ago, the Holy Spirit pointed out that I need to look at them in the eye when I say it. Not looking people in the eye is a infereioty that I developed for myself due to circumstances of the past. But I decree and declare that perfect love casts out all fear in Jesus name!

So what are the issues, attitudes, walls in your life that seem normal to you but might not be a kingdom normal? Do you know the real you and how you should be presenting yourself to the world as a member of the body?  Especially to someone who has had a hard past with a lot of pain and you isolate yourself to protect yourself from people. Let me tell you that is not the way that God created you to be. The past is not who God created us to be. I really want to get to a place where there is not one spot or stain of yesterday on me, and when I get around people that I used to know they say, "That is not the same Catisha that I remember!" So take a step with me as I learn to worship, meditate, and pray a little deeper and God gives revelations of how to be more and more like Christ everyday. It is a lifetime journey and the most freeing thing I think of!